...Once More For The Cheap Seats

You know lost songs? You love them and listen to them (or the entire albums) for weeks or months or even years but slowly you get tired of them, or they are replaced by new music. Lost songs. Rediscovering them is great! A few months ago this song found me again. It's by a group that I love and on the day that Matt's ipod picked it out for me I "knew" exactly why I was hearing it. Does that ever happen to you? You hear some kind of song about how your kids grow up too fast and you think you should share it with your friend who is overwhelmed by her 3 kids under 4 years old, or your pastor shares a great story about loving your neighbors and you wish your neighbor (who snipped at you for having your garbage cans out too long) had been at church to hear the story.

I hear many lessons for other people. I hear lots of lessons for my husband, but that's another post. :-) This is a post about how most of the lessons that we hear "for other people" are really for ourselves. Now does THAT happen to you? Well I thought I knew why I was hearing my "lost song" and it wasn't for me! .... Little did I know!

To make a long story short, while business is going o.k. it is a constant struggle for this business to support us 1. where we live in CA., 2. in this economy, and 3. while Matt is still in school.

It's a cyclical battle. While we have no intentions of living here forever we have good reasons to stay. The Bay Area is/has a huge HUGE art community. We would NEVER ever be doing business like we are, had Matt started somewhere else. There are many doors to stick a foot in..... if you can wedge it in there among all the other feets trying to get in. Feets of a billion other photographers and artists, all poor and starving and willing to do things at a slightly lower rate than their competitor. *sigh*
We also have a great church that we love, house that we love, and Matt is still in school. And here is where the cyclical battle begins. The more school he does, the less time he has for work. The more work he does, the more the professors at school ask him to spend more time on school work. He has tried and tried to ask the professors for the best way to divide his attentions and run a successful business. The terrible part is, that he is doing it, and they are TOTALLY unwilling to help. He is in school and will graduate and at the same time will have started his own business, supported his family and had two children. Most of the people in his program are single and have many don't have jobs. Sometimes I get frustrated feeling like the professors get so used to the students who have tons of time for their discussions and assignments that they forget that what they are trying to produce is a student like Matt, who goes on to have a successful photography business and support their family! I mean, he is the real thing, he's not going to graduate and then try his hand at being a professional photographer. He is one...right now!

Excuse me people while I get heated about this!

It's been a difficult time for us. It's stressful at home, when the dishwasher leaks water all over the floor, or the rains come and we have to pump water out of the crawl space in our basement it gets even more stressful. When a piece of photography equipment breaks or needs to be replaced or updated, it's pretty quiet over our dinner table.

And I confess it is so so hard to stay out of the mindset of, if we just had more..... fill in the blank, more money, more business, more time. Or if people were more helpful (Matt's professors), more understanding (Matt's professors), more generous (all the people who hire Matt and want to bargain for his services). More More More.

Sometimes when I am running the words from that song echo in my head:

I was sure by now, God you would have reached down, and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say "amen", and it's still raining.

How many times have I prayed about this. How many times have we together prayed about this. How many nights have we gone to bed thinking about how to make enough money, rethinking marketing and spending. How many opportunities we have said no to, to visit family and friends, to give gifts, to go out to eat. How many tears have been shed. I was sure by now, He would have stepped in and saved the day. It does seem that "every time I say Amen, it's still raining.

But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper through the rain, "I'm with you." And as your mercy falls, I'll raise my hands, and praise the God who gives, and takes away.

It's so hard to raise my hands and praise God right now. I don't want him to take away. I don't want to struggle. I don't want to worry.

I don't want to trust Him.

And I will praise You in this storm, and I will lift my hands. You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I've cried, You hold in Your hand. You've never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm.

It's so hard to picture the Lord knowing all of my fears, and worries. Knowing all about Matt's struggle to provide for our family, and holding all of these concerns in his hands, even when we do not trust in Him. I take comfort, albeit a teary-eyed comfort from knowing that He has never left my side. (Jos 1:5) I feel worried that we are struggling and embarrassed for not trusting a God that I know will never leave me, all at the same time.

I have had countless conversations with good friends, heard similar stories, shared prayers, and received good advice. It is still heart breaking. I hate to watch my husband struggle. He tries so hard, and is doing everything he can to be successful. Being financially stretched right now has put the greatest stress on our marriage so far, while at the same time I am more in awe of God working in Matt's heart and more in love with him now than ever. Not once has he ever suggested that I do something to help or just "go out and get a job", and there must be temptation to do that, with the weight of our provision on his shoulders.

We have had great blessings in the last months also... a healthily growing baby, the GIFT of a much newer and safer car than we were driving, great contacts and good photography jobs passed on by dear, and very empathetic friends, we've also had work come from our church community out of need, and simply out of desire to help.

It's taken months of this, or worry and trying to figure out what to do to figure out the most important thing is what I thought wasn't for me, the message of the song that has become my mantra. Praise you in this storm. That's what He wants from me, from us. He wants me to praise Him in this storm. As hard as it is, to raise my hands as the rain comes down and "though my heart is torn".

I'm not doing a very good job yet. I had a conversation with a friend a while ago about a financial worry and she told me, (I paraphrase, correct me if I'm wrong Lis) "Laurie, in your head, this money is the only thing standing between you and the poor house. And that's just not the way it really is!" She reminded me that for starters we have people who love us, families, basements to live in (we are not thinking of moving into any basements, don't worry!) There are people out there who have real concerns, no family to help, no basements to go live in, people really financially desperate. People desperate in every sense of the word. But the most important thing is, that no amount of money will ever stand between me or my family and poverty or desperation, or starvation, because Christ will stand there. He will never leave my side. He has promised to be faithful and to never forsake me. No amount of money can ever "save" us, in any sense of the word. I know He is teaching me about trust in Him, not just about money.

So I've been a little blogging absent. I've been working on trusting God. I've been working on going to sleep without worry and fear in my heart and waking up determined to encourage my husband, rather than cause him further stress.
I'm trying to worry less about when God is going to step in and save the day, and just "say Amen", even if it is raining. I'm listening for His whisper, "I'm with you". I am fighting to lift my hands, and praise Him in this storm.

So here it is once more.... and this time it's for me. It was in November too, I just didn't know it then.

What Were You Doing This Morning...?

This morning I had so much fun sending out my "Christmas" cards playing with my family at the lake.

We took a half ton of stale bread, and bread ends that I had been saving in the freezer and had a great time feeding the hungry, cold, fat ducks. I wonder how hungry and cold they really are here.

Eventually the temptation was too great for the duck's stale bread.... But on the upside, Joey was halfway finished with lunch by the time we got home!


In this video Joey lets the ducks eat from his hand (which you can't see too well since his head is in the way).

Merry Christmas from the Beardsleys!

It's been a little busy around here.

And unfortunately, not because I have been doing this....

And therefore I have not sent out Christmas cards yet. Are they Christmas cards if you don't send them out until after New Years? What about by Valentines day?

I debated putting up a "Not Me Monday" about the cards. But then I didn't really have that much more to Not Me about. I also debated just not sending out a card this year and keeping the ones I have for next year! But where's the fun in that right?

Who wouldn't mind getting a card in the middle, errrrr, end of January?

Hopefully not you and your family. To ensure arrival of cute card with family picture feel free to send your mailing address to: laurieandmatt@gmail.com because we would LOVE to send you a card. AND, just in case you are missed, or I never send them out, or we suffer some kind of natural disaster where no one is injured and there is no substantial damage to property yet I am spared the task of sending out a card......

Merry Christmas from the Beardsleys!!

Click here for Merry Christmas 2007!! (make sure you scroll allllll the way down!)

Not Me Monday! ?

Yeah. It's late. Late late late. But I'm just getting around to my "not me's" now. That's me. Or maybe today that's not me? :-)

Just like all of my "Not Me's" are a random selection of embarrassing things that I did over the course of several days, perhaps even weeks! All of the things that I don't want to own up to most certainly did NOT happen just today. That would be awful.

This morning I definitely did NOT delay changing a yucky diaper from my 2 year-old because he and the dog were having such a fun time chasing each other. They were definitely chasing each other and Ziggy was not just chasing Joey around with his nose glued to Joey's....ummm..... rear. I sure wouldn't let my dog chase my blissfully unaware toddler around just because he smelled like poo. Come on people. Nasty.

Speaking of nasty, I most certainly did not come back from my run this morning, start stretching, only to have Joey point at my shoe and say "Ewww Mommy, ewww." I wouldn't run until my foot started bleeding and then bled through up into my shoe. Not my perfectly lovely, wonderful, and sporty new shoes! Not through my brand-new-Christmas-present-from-my-sister-in-law nice running socks. Oh no! Not me!

You could not then find my husband laughing at me in the kitchen while I washed off my shoes with a toothbrush and soap trying to get the blood off. "Um, Laurie, shouldn't you be a little concerned about why your FOOT is bleeding?" I care way more about the limited number of digits that the Lord has blessed me with than this fleeting pair of (perfectly lovely wonderful sporty) shoes!

Lastly I did not subsequently shower with both of my socks on and also take a turn at them with my soap and toothbrush routine to get them equally shiny and new. (everything has since been restored to it's new-ish nature, but let's hope I don't step in any *gasp* mud)

And really lastly, I promise. I did not sit down to write this post and hear some noises and look around the room puzzled for a few moments until I realized that my CHILD was in the room in his bouncer. It's not like me to COMPLETELY FORGET where I put him in the house. Honestly, friends marvel over how easy-going these kids are, but you'd really have to be in our house or you just wouldn't make it! Now I just have to go find the other one....

Matthew is Officially a....

BIB-WEARER!! Congratulations if you guessed correctly that our little Matthew's latest milestone is that he is able to regularly wear a bib, everyday now. Most of the time, twice a day! It was a tough accomplishment between all the grabbing at the bib to chew on it, and attempting to fling himself out of the booster seat while learning the fine art of bib-wearing but he has finally mastered the task!

Here is a quick shot before his first bib....

Is that not the cutest boy ever?

Ok, in all seriousness.... Matthew started his solid food on his 6-month birthday, which was last week! I was determined that he wouldn't start before 6 months because I felt like Joey had started too early (during his 4th month). LOL, ah hindsight. Now I think perhaps that Joey was pretty ready, even though he was really young. He already had teeth, he had the whole concept down, and took to the food right away. Matthew is slowly getting the hang of it, but isn't crazy about his rice cereal. When I mix in a little banana or avocado (that's all he's had so far) he is more excited, and he'll eat what I give him but I don't think he'd miss it if it was suddenly gone.

I have started making sure that one of his last solid feedings is the last one before he goes to sleep at night (around 7 or 8), and after about a week of that and waking him again at 10 or 11 to feed him, I decided to wing it and not wake him one night to see what would happen. He didn't get up until 7 in the morning!! The the next morning he still wasn't up when I woke up at 6 so I woke him to feed him, since I was going running with a friend that morning. I'm not quite ready to say he's given up that last feeding because he might still need it but, it's exciting anyway!

So here are a few pictures of the first feeding: enjoy!

A little nervous perhaps...

I don't know about this stuff...

That wasn't so bad! Maybe I'll try some more of this "food" stuff.

A Teaser

I'm looking forward to sharing Matthew's latest milestone with you!! Can you tell what it was?

Works for Me Wednesday: Not Trying Not to Be Someone I'm NOT

I like to run. Now. I do. I like to run inside. On a treadmill, preferably in front of a T.V. with some morning show like Regis and Kelly, or a TBS repeat like Home Improvement or Saved by the Bell. Something that will help me to completely forget that I am exercising! I am starting more to like running with a friend, because I like talking and running. I am also....slowly..... starting to enjoy running outside. It's not very easy for me to like it. I'm working hard on it! I like to have a predictable path, know the terrain, and have it be pretty flat. Sound high maintenance? Well I don't really like to run outside! !

So shortly after Matt and I were married, on a trip back from Chile, we found ourselves both in need of tennis shoes. We headed out, along with Matt's parents to a giant shoe outlet in Asheville in search of some great running shoes that would surely help us to come closer together as a married (and adorably FIT) couple. Matt's parents house backs up to a large National Park and fun hiking and running trails. Matt of course, was looking for a great trail shoe as he loves to run outside. And I, being the new bride, wanted to love to run outside.

We both ended up with trail shoes. :-) I think mine have actually seen trails (for running) maybe 4 or 5 times. But I have faithfully run with them inside (where I actually do alot of running, you know, under the watchful eye of a large television) for 2 years now! After Matthew was born I was intending to try for the 1/2 marathon that Matt did in the beginning of October. Needless to say after a few weeks I realized that was just NOT going to happen. It was just 4 months after he was born! So after Matt finished I was determined to try one for myself. I picked the Kaiser 1/2 Marathon in San Francisco. Do you remember this blog? It's the SAME one I "tried" to register for last year, when I was pregnant (except that was for the 5K part of it), and the registration was "lost" on our front porch. Except this time, I'm going for the 1/2 marathon.

I'm a little nervous.

Ok, I'm a LOT nervous.

I'm hoping to finish it. Finish it running. My goal is to run the whole thing. That's 13 miles people. whew

So a few months ago I picked out a training program online. And I've been working on it ever since! It's been fun. There's about 5 days a week of running at least 3 miles or so and then a long run on the weekend. I've hit some exciting milestones. First time running 4, 5, and 6 miles after Matthew was born. First time running in an actual 10K (Thanksgiving weekend while we visited Matt's brother in L.A.). First time running 7 miles (EVER), and this weekend will be my first time running 8 miles!!

I also hit another exciting milestone! My first real pair of running shoes! (This is where we get into the Works for Me part of the blog. My friend Lexie and I went to See Jane Run. I had my first real running assessment. I found out that I over-pronate (I kinda suspected that) and have been running for a looong time on a shoe that is completely the opposite of what I need. To put some correcting shoes on was amazing! I was so excited to get new shoes. They were definitely a stretch for our budget but we are assuming that they will be cheaper than a rolled/sprained or broken ankle or knee problems!

Matt is such a wonderful husband to me. I love him so much! I want to be everything that he needs in a wife, the perfect helpmate for him. But you know what, chances are, I'm not going to be the best running-mate for him. I just don't love running on trails. The up and the down and the chance of running into bears (really has happened!), and all the trees. I think as more time passes, (for me at least) it gets a little easier for me to accept myself the way I am, and try to be the wife that God had planned for Matt in my heart and attitude, and not so much in less important ways, like my shoes.

And, the great part is, as I train more (averaging over 25 miles a week now!), and train with better shoes, the more I enjoy the running, the easier it gets and the more I, *gasp* like to run outside. I'm so excited about this race in February. I'm a little nervous about running 8 miles this Saturday but excited too. And I am especially excited about my new shoes. They are really nice. They are really comfortable. And if you won't write me off as cheesy, AND you are actually still reading, these new shoes are a little picture of me, getting to know myself better. Getting more comfortable with the person that God made me, and trusting that it is ok to be that person, and not try to be someone else.

So now, without further ado, (because there's been alot of ado!) Here are my new shoes:

I love them.

And me.

Even if I do like to run in front of a big 'ole flatscreen.