Thursday, July 29, 2010

Cribs, Crimes and Canine Catastrophes

This would be better as a "Not Me Monday" but then it really might be too much to handle.

This morning we all woke up early to take Matt to the train, to the airport, to fly to AL to take pictures of his cousin's wedding. *waves at Rachel*. Early. 4:30 early.

The boys (and I) slept for a little while after getting back home, but not too well, and everyone was a little off their game and grumpy today. Not a fun way to start out 4 solo parenting days.

On a happy note, I sold a crib that we had replaced about a month ago on craigslist. I had been trying to sell it for a month. It has been sitting in the middle of our front room, totally in the way. I sold it for less than I wanted to, but it was pretty used, and it was nice to be done with it. I was going to surprise Matt (first of all, just by it's absence) with the cash when he got home Sunday night.

Jump to dinner, Matthew so tired, won't eat at all, cries through dinner until I put him to bed, then drinks a bottle and cries some more. *sigh*. Joey whines through dinner and finally goes to bed and while I am out of the kitchen for a minute Ziggy eats the money from the crib off of the kitchen table. All of it. This is what I have left:

So upset at the dog. Snapped at Joey for his whining. Yelled at the dog. After about 5 minutes I remembered a time when I was pulling something out of the oven, BOILING hot and dropped a piece on the floor which Ziggy ate so quickly, neither of us could stop him. It was so hot, it made him throw up, which conveniently emptied him of his dinner that he had eaten 45 minutes before.


So I get the brilliant idea to make him throw up. Can I just defend my position and say that we are not in any condition to be throwing away, or letting our dog eat away perfectly good currency. Call me crazy. Go ahead, it's ok. So I need something to make him throw up. To the trash can!!

This sounds bad huh.

Earlier I had trashed 2 things which had gotten away from me in the fridge, some plain leftover pasta, and some chicken breast (that was going to become chicken salad). I figured if he had to throw up, then better to do it with nasty food. Greater chance of making him sick to start with right?? Really people, I know how crazy this sounds now that I am typing it all out. So I heat up all this chicken and some of the pasta, more than a cup until it is too hot to touch, then stand over him in the kitchen and "accidently" drop it on the floor. You see, to be enticing, he has to think he isn't supposed to have it, like you are keeping the good stuff from him. (or he just has to find it on the table when you aren't in the room). He snarfs it all up.


5 minutes. Nothing.

I've just fed my dog bad food. I mean bad, totally gone bad would make any person sick, bad food. Oh no, not a 130lb dog with the digestive system of a WHALE. He's laying on the kitchen floor digesting his second dinner and our CASH.

Alright then, let's see what the internet can come up with for "inducing dog vomitting". Some website said that a teaspoon of salt in the back of the mouth will do it. Look at giant dog. Look at computer again. Look at GIANT dog.

I went to get the Kosher salt. And a big serving spoon. 1 spoonful later: nothing. Salt all over my kitchen floor. Another giant spoonful with a little bit of peanut butter in the front to get him to open his mouth. Nothing. He's hacking a little bit, and I'm all hopeful, but...nothing. So I give him another cup of dog food to see if just all the first dinner and the rotten chicken and pasta and GOBS of Kosher salt will work together but.... nothing. All he wants is some water to drink. I can't blame him.

He's laying on the floor in the family room now, just like any other evening. Except this evening I think there might actually be a certifiably CRAZY woman on the couch next to him.

And I'm alone for the next 3 DAYS.

I want to say pray for me, friends. But at this point, maybe you are all more inclined to pray for Ziggy. If so, drop on by, have a visit, stay awhile. I've got a great spot you can put your wallet.

(oh a side note for all you swaggers. I won 9 SB on searching for "induce dog vomitting". it was like insult to injury. rubbing kosher salt in fresh wounds...)


Matt Beardsley said...

Bad Mr. Wiggles! I'm lucky to have such a resourceful wife - and one willing to document it all so well.... I'll be home soon! Love matt

Sarah Rose said...

We're friends of the Jordans, and I was randomly clicking through their friends this morning...

...our dog did the same thing! It WILL come out the other end, and, if you're brave, you can pick it apart, suds it all up, and send it to the US Treasury. They will replace "damaged funds" due to catastrophe. :)

Naomi said...

I was cracking up through this whole thing.

Matt and Laurie Beardsley said...

S.R. - Thanks! I was planning on "looking" for the remains, but I don't know if he just swallowed it whole or chewed it up. I wonder if they'd replace just a few pieces. *sigh* I hope to find it.

Naomi - I'm glad. Writing the blog was actually the only thing that made me feel good about the whole event, especially after I had to get up at 1 and 5 in the morning because the dog was crying for a drink of water and to go outside. Can't imagine what would have made him so thirsty...

Sarah Rose said...

Evidently, you don't need much. My husband has (fortunately) handled the "dirty work" of the situation... but those treasury folks seem to know what's what from the remains. Gross.

I'm sure you can earn more swagbucks figuring out where exactly to send it! :) I'm just glad I'm not the only one who has a crazy money-eating dog. (Jake also eats diapers...)

Matt and Laurie Beardsley said...

Sarah - Diapers. Diapers are like dessert to our guy too, although he's not very discriminating at all. I've lost an entire pad of post-its (several times) and various plastic items (a handlebar off of a trike). Although he doesn't touch the furniture so I guess I shouldn't complain.

Susannah Forshey said...

This post has made me laugh over and over again! I just re-read it....and laughed again!!! You should get an award or something....HILARIOUS!